


The Bastard Kid

by purpleeyesandbowties



Series: Addy and the Maitlands [5]
Category: Beetlejuice - Perfect/Brown & King
Genre: Addy Maitland, Addy is a cryptid, Gen, Multi, Multiple Narrators, i did my best to emulate reddit threads and internet articles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 01:02:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19879024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purpleeyesandbowties/pseuds/purpleeyesandbowties
Summary: Because of the rules of summoning, Addy Maitland gets summoned slightly more often than Beetlejuice. Over the years, he gains a reputation as a mostly-friendly cryptid who famously doesn't talk about himself. Many people are tempted to summon him, but few do because of the rumor that he's protected by a violent, dangerous being simply referred to as Baddie.





	The Bastard Kid

**Author's Note:**

> hope you like it! i'll be shuffling the order of this series as i write different stories. in this one, addy's age ranges from 1 1/2 to 7, which means Lydia is 16 to 22. beej and the maitlands are dead so it doesn't matter how old they are.
> 
> If you haven't read my other beetlejuice fic not set in this series, all you need to know is that lydia has a friend, riley, who knows about her dead parents + beej and both riley and lydia are useless, pining lesbians

The first time Addy disappeared—not got kidnapped, but just vanished, no warning—he was one and a half. Lydia had been watching him for the night as the other couple and triple of the house had (separate) date nights. Lydia had Riley over, so it was kind of like a third, unspoken, silently-agreed-upon date night plus one baby. Riley and Addy were playing a game called Addy Runs As Fast As He Can Without Falling Down, and Addy was winning. He shrieked in delight at every sharp turn he took, looking over his shoulder to make sure Riley was chasing him. As happened frequently, Addy mixed up his rights and lefts and instead of taking a sharp turn towards the living room, he took a sharp turn towards a wall. Lydia barely had time to yelp a warning to Addy before he just….vanished. Lydia caught a look of surprise on his face before he went and it did nothing to assuage her own worry.

“Is that….a ghost baby thing?” Riley asked, slightly out of breath from the game. She poked the wall Addy had vanished right before hitting to test how solid it was.

“No,” Lydia said slowly. “At least….I don’t think so. He’s never done this before.”

Riley nodded slowly, lips pursed. “So. What do we do now?”

“I have no idea. Look for him? Maybe he just turned invisible.”

“Maybe,” Riley said, unconvinced.

They wandered around the house, softly calling out Addy’s name. If the kid was hiding, he was being abnormally quiet about it. Lydia had played countless games of hide and seek with Addy and he could never stop giggling. Lydia even checked his favorite hiding spots—under Lydia’s bed and the attic stairs—but no dice and no kid. After about ten minutes, Lydia swore under her breath and said, “I think it’s time to break up date night.”

Riley sucked in her breath. “Think they’re doing grown-up stuff?”

“It’s likely,” Lydia said grimly. 

—

Beetlejuice, Adam, and Barbara were enjoying some quality time together without the threat of a baby interrupting—bless Lydia for agreeing to babysit, but Beetlejuice guessed as long as Riley was involved, Lydia would have agreed to do anything. For Beetlejuice and the Maitlands, date night was usually pretty low-key. Tonight’s had included one of Beetlejuice’s least favorite things—a shower—in order to facilitate one of his favorite things—Maitland make outs. He’d convinced both Maitlands to join him in the shower, which made the whole thing a lot more palatable. An hour later, everyone was clean and dry and having an all-around good time. At least, it had been fun for a while, until Adam decided now was the perfect time to start building Addy’s bed since their son was soon to outgrow his crib. So instead of gettin’ some, as he had expected to, Beetlejuice was spending his date night assembling an Ikea box set that surely must have come straight from hell. Adam set down a plank of wood with a _thump_ and a groan and was just about to complain about something when they heard the distinctive sound of non-conspicuous footsteps running up the stairs.

“Gee, I hope everyone is decent!” Lydia shouted loudly.

“Yes,” Riley shouted back. “If they aren’t, they have ten seconds to get that way.”

“Everyone is fine,” Barbara said, opening the door. “The boys are just building a bed for Addy.”

“Right, speaking of Addy,” Lydia said. She turned to Beetlejuice. “Can born-dead kids just, like, vanish?”

“What do you mean vanish?” Beetlejuice asked suspiciously. He sniffed the air, trying to find the scent of Addy’s power and coming up with nothing. “Uh, Lydia, where the fuck is my kid?” 

Lydia held up her hands. “Calm down. I promise there wasn’t another kid-snatcher or anything. He was running full-tilt for the wall and just before he hit it, he just went _poof._ Gone.”

Adam and Barbara came up on either side of Beetlejuice, each putting an arm around his waist. “Is everything okay?” Barbara asked.

Riley shrugged. “We were hoping Beetlejuice would be able to tell us.”

“When he vanished, what did he look like?” Beetlejuice asked. 

Lydia said, “I don’t know. Confused? A little? I don’t think he did it on purpose. There was maybe a little puff of smoke, but nothing huge.”

“Fuck,” Beetlejuice muttered. “I forgot about that. The name thing.”

“What name thing?” 

Instead of answering, Beetlejuice focused on an empty patch of floor and said, “Addison, Addison, Addison.”

Nothing happened. 

“Okay, he really did inherit it,” Beetlejuice muttered. Louder, he said, “Bastard, Bastard, Bastard!”

And just like that, Addy, sitting on the floor and looking very confused. Lydia barked out a surprised laugh and Riley joined her. 

“Mommy!” Addy said brightly, catching sight of Barbara. He toddled over and hugged her legs. She scooped him up.

“Hey, buddy. Can you tell us where you were?”

“Hmm. Scared.”

“You were scared?”

“No, no, no. Scared,” he said emphatically.

“ _You_ scared someone else?” Beetlejuice asked. Addy nodded. Beetlejuice grinned and ruffled Addy’s electric blue hair. “Good job, kiddo. You make your baddie proud.”

“I still don’t know what’s going on,” Adam said. Beetlejuice took Addy from Barbara and swung him onto his hip, making Addy shriek.

“This little troublemaker went and got himself summoned. Probably gave someone a nasty shock, too. Remember, my middle name calls me to whoever says it three times. Addy’s must, too. Bad news for anyone who likes to call someone else a bastard, multiple times in a row.”

“I thought we wouldn’t have to worry about stranger danger with him,” Barbara said mournfully. 

“We will now, I guess. How often will this happen?” said Adam.

“No way to tell,” Beetlejuice said gleefully. “We just gotta make sure he knows what to do when it does!”

“Which is?” Lydia asked.

Beetlejuice grinned with teeth sharper than usual. “Call for his baddie, of course.”

—

Addy was a little too young to grasp the concept of ‘when strange people summon you, say Beetlejuice three times and Baddie will come and get you’ so Lydia and Riley teamed up to make him a tiny custom shirt that said If Summoned Say Beetlejuice Three Times and hoped the accidental-Addy callers were both literate and curious. It worked, really, more often than not, though if no one had seen Addy in a few hours, one of the parents would summon him. Many naps were ruined this way, but it was highly preferable to the idea of Addy at the mercy of a stranger. 

Addy getting yoinked, as Riley termed it, along with Yeet the Baby and Baby Theft, happened about once every three or four months. But as Addy got older and the shirt became unnecessary, it happened more and more frequently. According to Addy, the people who summoned him were more excited than alarmed. Also, strangely, just after he turned five, the summoners were prepared with Addy’s favorite snack. Eventually, bored and missing Addy while she was at college, Lydia took to the internet to figure out what was going on. It only took a little digging before she realized her baby brother was an internet sensation.

—

** Cutest Little Bastard In Town **

Article by Rebecca Lee, Mothman Monthly

_ Originally posted 2 years ago _

There’s a new kid on the block—literally. The internet’s new favorite cryptid is not what you expect. He’s a far cry from creepy ladies, cursed dolls, or hairy super-animals. There’s no blood dripping from any orifices, no sense of impending doom, and hardly any evidence of power. Weirdly enough, he’s….just a kid. A cute kid, but just a kid.

As far as I was able to tell through hours of diligent research, his first mention was on a now-defunct  spooky stories thread four years ago . A man claimed he’d been cussing out his buddy in front of a bar when, without warning, a young child, maybe a year and a half, showed up in front of them. Literally, showed up. I fixed the original poster’s grammar, for all your sakes. You’re welcome.

“He popped outta nowhere,” the man, who remained anonymous, wrote. “F*%#ing insane! He had this wicked blue hair and when he screamed, it was loud enough to bust my damn eardrums. I ran—didn’t know what else to do and I was piss drunk anyhow—the kid wasn’t there when I came back twenty minutes later.” 

When asked by another thread-goer what his friend had thought of the mysterious infant, “My buddy was out cold, the drunk. Bastard left me with his bar tab” was the only response given. The thread closed shortly afterward, but the mystery of the child lived on.

Time and time again, people have (mostly accidentally) summoned this kid. You can read their testimonials at your leisure. If that’s not your cup of tea, that’s fine. You can just read mine. Because, gentle reader, last night, I summoned him.

And he’s real.

Despite everything I’d read about him, it still knocked me off balance when I said those three magic words—bastard, bastard, bastard—and a precocious five-year-old showed up in my tiny apartment. He was well-groomed and obviously cared-for—strange for a cryptid—and pretty much normal looking, except for his hair. It stuck out wildly and was a shade of bright blue. If that wasn’t enough of a shock, he was so normal it was creepier than if he’d told me the time and date of my death.

I’ve recorded as much of our conversation as I can remember.

**Me:** Guh!

**Kid:** Oh.

**Me:** I, uh—

**Kid, upset:** I was eating mac and cheese.

**Me:** What?

**Kid:** You can at least get me something to eat. To say sorry.

**Me, now thoroughly confused and a little bit freaking out:** What….do you like to eat?

**Kid:** Bugs.

**Me:** …Bugs?

**Kid:** Beetles! Ants are okay, though, if you don’t have anything else. I won’t eat butterflies ‘cause they’re too pretty. Oh, that’s good! Thank you! 

(And then, and I’m not shitting you, this kid spotted a roach on my floor and _he ate it. Whole. No hesitation.)_

**Me:** *sound of revulsion*

**Kid, defensively:** They’re better with dirt but you don’t have any!

**Me, probably disassociating:** Sorry about that. I ran out yesterday and I haven’t gotten to the store.

**Kid:** Well, tell the next person to give me bugs. I’ll be more friendly if you give me bugs. Also, don’t sum’n _[sic. I’m guessing he was trying to say summon]_ me when I’m eating.

**Me:** Yeah…..I won’t.

We stood in silence for a few seconds. The kid sighed gustily and said, “I wanna go home now but I don’t want to call Baddie because he will,” and at this point, he scrunched up his face and did a scarily accurate imitation of a teenage girl, “‘wreck your whole shop’. So.”

“Who, uh, who is Baddie?” I asked, scared to know. The kid shrugged. “He doesn’t like it when people take me away from him.”

“Oh,” I said, not understanding but still pretty scared. 

Then, in a crazy turn of events, the kid asked to use my phone, I gave it to him, he called someone, and said, “can you bring me back now? No, don’t tell Baddie, he’ll just get mad. No, she was nice. I ate a roach. Bye, Lydia!”

And then he vanished—and took my goddamn cellphone with him.

Edit, four days ago: I have my cellphone back! Someone claiming to be Lydia contacted me. She apologized for the inconvenience and sent my phone to my PO box. It’s two years out of service and full of spiders now. But it’s the thought that counts. Thanks, Lydia, whoever you are. Bastard kid, it was fun, but forgive me if I don’t sum’n you again.

—

r/summoningbastard - posted by u/donttellmetocalmdown 29 days ago 

** What We Know: A Masterpost **

Reminder: everything posted here is proven to be true. Do not derail this thread with theories. Do not refute the existence of the Bastard Kid. His existence has been proven.

  1. He’s dead. Whether he is a ghost, demon, or spirit is unknown, but this kid is not among the living. If his sudden appearance when the words are said wasn’t enough of a clue, his hair—which we now know is color-changing—would be. 
  2. He’s dangerous. Don’t be fooled by his friendly exterior. Plenty of idiots will say they had nice interactions with the kid after summoning him. Some people have better luck if they prepare an offering of dead beetles, sprinkled with dirt but YMWV. The truth of the matter is, some people who summon him find themselves haunted by something much scarier. People have even died. (sources 1 2)
  3. He’s growing. Unlike most spirits/ghost/demons, the kid seems to age chronologically. His first sighting was at age 1 1/2. Now, 5 years later, he looks like an 7-year-old. He never appears younger than he did before, so we must assume he’s aging normally. Why or how he’s doing this is unknown. (sources 1 2 3 4 5)
  4. He can only be summoned once. Well, that’s not quite true. What I should say is that he _should_ only be summoned once. The danger I mentioned before only really happens if a) the bastard kid is put in danger himself or b) he is summoned two or more times. (sources 1 2 3)



Comments:

**bigfootsboyfriend** 4 points - 11 days ago 

5) He was killed by someone he calls Baddie

**donttellmetocalmdown** 2 points - 11 days ago 

that is just a theory. It has not been proven and I, personally, don’t believe baddie exists. If you want to continue this discussion move it to r/baddie

**strange_and_unusual** 6 points - 2 days ago 

1 is wrong. he’s not a ghost or a demon, he was born dead.

**donttellmetocalmdown** \- 1 day ago 

what the fuck are you talking about?

**strange_and_unusual** \- 1 day ago 

like I said. he was born dead.

**donttellmetocalmdown** \- 1 day ago 

thats impossible. argue with me again and I’ll kick u from this thread

**strange_and_unusual** \- 1 day ago

its true I talked to him myself and he told me he was born dead 

**donttellmetocalmdown** \- 1 day ago 

he barely talks to anyone and no one even knows his name so why would he talk to you 

**strange_and_unusual** \- 1 day ago

he’s my little brother

****** donttellmetocalmdown** \- 1 day ago 

that’s it, ur off this thread

[thread closed]

—

r/baddie - Posted by u/donttellmetocalmdown 4 months ago

** Who is baddie? **

This thread is for theories about the entity referred to as ‘baddie’ by the bastard kid. If you post, please back up what you say with sources. Any clowns will get kicked.

**cryptidhuntinternational** 2 points - 4 months ago 

I am fully convinced Baddie killed the kid. Everyone who has asked Bastard about Baddie notes that he always mentions Baddie being mad or upset and possibly even violent. Rebecca Lee’s  article talks about the kid being scared of Baddie. “He doesn’t like it when people take me away from him”? What else could he be talking about! And there’s also the reports that the couple who summoned the Bastard twice ended up dead. Right before the  camera cut off, Bastard can be heard shouting “don’t make Baddie angry!”

Obviously this Baddie character is jealous and possessive of Bastard. He’s already proven he’s willing to kill anyone who attempts to harm Bastard. (The couple who died wanted to use Bastard as a ghost-slave or some disgusting shit like that). (In this one case, I support Baddie’s murder tendencies). Whoever Baddie is, he’s up to no good and I hope one day someone can liberate Bastard from him. If/when I summon Bastard, I’m gonna have a plan in place to get him away from Baddie once and for all.

**strange_and_unusual** 8 points - 2 days ago

baddie is one of bastard’s parents and he loves him dearly

**donttellmetocalmdown** 1 point - 2 days ago

source?

**strange_and_unusual** 1 point - 1 day ago

oh right sorry. source: baddie is my uncle

**donttellmetocalmdown** 1 point - 1 day ago

youre that chick from the facts thread arent you. you claimed you were his sister there but if baddie is bastard’s dad how is he your uncle? looking forward to that logic.

**strange_and_unusual** 1 point - 1 day ago

baddie is shacking up with bastard’s bio parents who are my adoptive parents but baddie did try to marry me when I was 15 so he’s not really dad material for me. more of an uncle. they all live in my attic

**donttellmetocalmdown** 1 point - 1 day ago

**** please get some professional help 

—

Daniel, Reddit user donttellmetocalmdown, had been researching the Bastard Kid for nearly four years. He considered himself an authority on the subject. He’d summoned the kid once when the kid was 3, on accident, and decided after his one-minute encounter that he wanted to figure out the whole truth of it. The most recent reports of the Bastard Kid indicated he was old enough to understand and communicate effectively. He was also still small enough to contain if it came to that. Daniel hesitated, a bowl of dead beetles in his hand. Could he really beat up a seven-year-old? Even a dead, possibly evil one? And what about Baddie? Daniel was firmly in the baddie-isn’t-real camp but that was more out of fear than anything else. And when it came to things like this, you had to be prepared for things you didn’t believe in. He set down the beetle bowl decisively. He was going to do this. He _was_ going to get answers and he was getting them _today_. It was the day after finals and campus was nearly empty. Daniel’s dorm was all but packed up. If something bad really came after him, it would be a problem for the poor fool who rented this room next semester, not him.

Just to be safe, he dumped out some salt and dirt mixed together into a circle on the floor, placing the beetle bowl in the middle. He clicked on his phone set up in the corner.

“Okay. Here we go. I’m attempting to summon Bastard. I’ve done this once before, so I know I’m going against standard protocol. Baddie, if he exists, will not be happy with me.”

He glanced into the camera. “Pray for me.”

His fourteen live stream viewers sent a flurry of prayer hand emojis in the chat. _Good enough,_ he figured. He positioned himself on the opposite side of the dirt circle from the camera and said the three words. He couldn’t describe the rush of relief that hit him when a small body actually materialized inside the circle. He was noticeably bigger and older than he had been four years ago, but the community had all-but-confirmed the Bastard aged normally. Still, it was nice to have some tangible evidence. 

“Ha!” he exclaimed, then realized his mistake—it alerted the kid to his presence. Bastard turned around. His nose scrunched up, taking in the dirt circle and bowl. He picked it up and threw a beetle into his mouth. Speaking through his chewing, he said, “Who are you?”

“Daniel. I—you probably don’t remember me.”

Bastard shook his head. “Can I go now? I’m supposed to go visit my sister.”

Then he looked past Daniel, out the window, and dropped his bowl. Beetles scattered across the floor—thankfully, Daniel had opted for freeze-dried beetles from a pet store instead of live bait—and Bastard bounded out of the dirt circle. He slapped his hands against the window in excitement.

“Is this the University of Vermont?”

“Yeah,” Daniel said, shocked into truthfulness. Bastard gasped. 

“Yes! What building is this?”

He didn’t wait for an answer before charging across the room and throwing open the door. 

“Hey! Wait!” Daniel called. He grabbed the camera and took off after the kid. He chased him down the hall, always just a few too many paces behind to catch him.

“Lydia!” Bastard yelled. Daniel followed him into the girl’s hallway—no clue how the kid managed to get the door open without a key card—and down a short maze of halls. He skidded to a stop in front of a door covered in gossamer black fabric. The gold lettering on the door proclaimed _Lydia and Riley._

The door opened, revealing a young woman about Daniel’s age dressed head to toe in black. Bastard shrieked and jumped directly into the woman’s arms. She gave an _oof_ of surprise and stumbled backward.

“Lydia! I missed you!” he cried. He wrapped all four limbs around her and buried his face into her shoulder.

“Addy? I thought you weren’t going to be here until tomorrow!”

Daniel blinked. Addy? It never occurred to him that a kid like the Bastard Kid—who grew and changed, despite his unnatural state of being—would have a real name.

“Didja miss me?” he asked. 

Lydia laughed and kissed his cheek. “Of course I did! Silly little bug. Why are you here early? Are Dad and step-mom here? What about Beetlejuice, did he come along?”

Addy shook his head. “I got summoned. Delia and Charles are still driving. Baddie said just to call him when we got here.”

Lydia raised an eyebrow. “Summoned?”

Addy pointed behind him and Daniel resisted the sudden urge to hide behind Lydia’s door. Her eyes seemed to pierce right through him. A second late, he lowered the phone. Lydia held out her hand. Meekly, he put it in her outstretched hand. Without breaking eye contact, she handed it to Addy, who snapped it in half with no apparent effort.

“So, who are you?” she asked. She shifted Addy to one hip. He stuck one half of the phone in his mouth and took a bite. It crackled in his mouth and his already-wild hair stood up even further. His eyes flashed—literally—with power. Daniel was suddenly reminded that the Bastard Kid was very, _very_ inhuman. He felt very fragile in comparison.

“Uh—I’m no one.”

“Obviously,” she replied crisply. “But what do you think you’re doing with my baby brother?”

All at once, a dozen internet arguments hit him like the most unpleasant brick wall ever.

“ _Shit._ You’re not strange-and-unusual, are you?”

Incredulous, Lydia said, “Oh, god, you’re that asshole?”

Daniel didn’t feel the need to clarify which asshole. He winced, which was enough of an answer.

“I am gonna kill you,” she decided. “Unless Beetlejuice gets you first for trying to exploit his kid for internet fame.”

“Beetlejuice—is—is that Baddie?”

Addy said, “Yup! I have a mom and a dad and a baddie.”

Lydia shushed him. “You don’t have to tell this guy anything, sweetie.”

Addy swung his legs, idly kicking Lydia’s side. He took another bite of phone. 

“Since I’m here and you’re here, can we call Baddie?”

Lydia glanced at Daniel, a hard glint in her eye. “Sure! Your pal here doesn’t believe that Baddie exists. Want to prove him wrong? I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to hear how you ended up here a whole day early and all by yourself.”

Daniel’s already-strained courage hit its limit. As he bolted down the hall, he heard Lydia and Addy laughing at him.

—

r/summoningbastard -posted by u/donttellmetocalmdown 2 minutes ago

** The end of the search for answers **

Hey, y’all. Many of you know I’ve been working on this subreddit for years. I dedicated a lot of time to it. I thought I wanted to find answers. I found answers, yeah, but they weren’t what I was looking for. I’d like to publicly apologize to u/strange_and_unusual for my disrespect. I’d also like to apologize to Bastard. He’s just a kid trying to live his life and I shouldn’t have interfered. I’m going to encourage everyone who reads this to stop summoning, contacting, or researching Bastard Kid. I think it’s time we left him alone. Sorry again. I’m going to be deleting as many threads as I have mod privileges for. 

Baddie is real. I was fortunate enough not to meet him this time. I’m not going to push my luck again.

Bye.

Comments:

**beetlejuicewhatdoyoumeanitstakenthatsmyname** 1 point - 1 minute ago

GOOD THING LYDIA WAS THERE TO STOP ME I WOULD HAVE RIPPED YOU APART 

**strange_and_unusual** 1 point - 1 minute ago

: )

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sidras-tak on tumblr! come talk! i love my boy addy very much and i'd love to hear what you think of him


End file.
